Bitches in Big Sunglasses...

After returning home from the left coast last week, it is now official: Big Sunglasses are everywhere. We sit on the cusp of an international huge sunglasses crisis. Girls are wearing them to the beach, to the mall, and even to the grocery store... I even saw more than a few pairs at Petco Park at baseball games. The spread of these sunglasses seems to be unstoppable, and something must be done. If your girlfriend owns a pair, smash them. If you have a friend whos a girl, and she wears them out somewhere, smash them. Don't answer the question, "Why did you just smash my fatty glasses?" Simply tell her it is for her own good, and if she knows whats good for her, she should drop the subject.

This onslaught of Bitches in Big Glasses didn't emerge out of the blue. It can be directly traced back to Hollywood starlets, especially the younger generation. You know, the ladies who have little talent outside of their pushup bras. The ones who make every checkout line at the grocery market the source of new celebrity gossip. Magazines like Us and People are to blame for publishing pictures of Linsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, and the rest of those girls wearing oversized eyewear in public. It encourages all ladies to wear them, but here's the rub: The girls in the magazine are famous, and perhaps those glasses are more functional than superficial. Maybe the famous girls just want to go a bit incognito...after all it is tough to discern a persons identity when 60% of their face is covered with glass.

(Danny Tanner approved sunglasses)

Regular girls, on the other hand, aren't trying to protect their anonymity...they are trying to be someone else. So to every girl out there who isn't famous, hot or not, please listen up: You look foolish. You can't pull those glasses off, they aren't going to make you famous. You can't possibly think you are that cool or that the glasses look good, so its high time someone knocked you down a peg or two. Stop lying to yourself and just get a normal sized pair of glasses that go over your eyes; you can't possibly need relief from the sun on your cheeks, eyebrows, and ears too. I hope someone famous takes it up a bit and wears those huge novelty glasses...I bet you mindless bitches follow suit. I'm not hating, I'm just being honest. Stop wearing Huge Sunglasses!!!