The Wide, Wide World of News: March 15, 2006

(The Afar Triangle)

(Awww...a Baby Ocean)

Pangea Junior?

Anytime I get to use the word 'Pangea,' or talk about it...I know its going to be a good day. Pangea, of course, is the name for the super continent that existed before plate tectonics split all the land of Earth into continents. That was before the dinosaurs even. But now, Scientists in Africa have recently discovered that the Horn of Africa is splitting apart, which will eventually lead to an ocean existing where the land is now. This event is taking place in the Afar Triangle, located in northeastern Africa. A human lifetime isn't long enough to see an ocean formed, but these scientists believe they are witnessing the birth of one. Hundreds of cracks are forming in the desert here, and the ground level has dropped over 300 feet. But wait...there's more! Scientists have observed liquid hot magma rising from beneath the desert floor, which ironically will be the ocean floor in the future.

I had never heard of the Afar Triangle before. I obviously know where Africa is, but I don't think anyone ever mentioned this section of the continent by that name. Anyway, there are three tectonic plates that meet under this triangle, and they are separating very slowly. They say the ground hasn't stopped moving in months, consistently being shaken by small earthquakes and volcanic activity.

All of this news sounds very ominous, but scientists say it will be millions of years before the new ocean splits Africa in half. I'm just trying to imagine an ocean forming over the corner of a continent, and then eventually working its way across until there is just land separated by an ocean. It seems strange to consider Africa split in half, but that is what these nerds are talking about. Personally, I see nothing wrong with another continent. Will it be South African and North Africa, or will they come up with a new name? With a little planning, you could buy some land in Africa now that will be beachfront property in a few million years...I'm sure you far distant relatives in the future will appreciate your forsight.

Smile...You're Gettin' Snitched On!

Police is East Orange New Jersey have found a new way to "protect and serve" the community. The fuzz is on the lookout for would-be snitchers in neighborhoods around town. The few, the proud...The Snitches. They will have access to a website that provides panoramic views of the blocks surrounding their homes. If a person sees something happening on camera that is against the law, all they have to do is type in the complaint, or provide a location where the law is being broken. The police will be notified immediately, but the best part is, Snitches can also activate secret police cameras to record all the action. Video recordings of police wrong doings will be destroyed immediately, while the Snitch who views the cops activity will promptly have his memory erased. What the fuck is going on in this country that we have video cameras on every block, and police are encouraging a society of Snitches that they call "Virtual Community Patrol." Good name, NJPD, that sounds like a fucking p.r. reps wet dream...Virtual Community Patrol. Shouldn't it be called Actual Community Patrol, or if not that, how bout NJPD Nazi Network?

A few things about the article confuse me though. It mentions that the Snitch Squad will consist of "soon-to-be-chosen" residents of East Orange. What in the hell does that mean? If a cop shows up at my doorstep, I have to become a snitch? Is there some sort of pay involved, or are people just snitching for the fun of it? I realize that it is important to control crime, but thats the job of the police. I mean, if I see an old lady getting mugged, then a citizen's arrest would be appropriate, I am all for it. But someone watching a video feed of a neighborhood that they themselves live in, and reporting crimes? This sounds a little suspect to me. That means the people snitching know the people breaking the law by name, since they are from the same neighborhood. That really takes every single bit of police work out of the equation for New Jerz's finest. You have evidence, a name; everything you need to arrest a person without the help of the police. So whats next? A Virtual Community Jail cell, where you can place people under arrest, by the authority of the NJPD?

My one hope in this situation is that they record the snitches in the act of snitching: "Alright, on the corner of 23rd and 5th street...I think there is a drug deal about to go down. Yes, I can see them from my window...Oh! I just saw them slap hands, and one of them had money in his palm..Wait. Wait, Oh Shit! (pop, pop!) Send a unit over now right now! My position has been compromised! They saw me snitchin' and now they're shootin'. (pop,pop,pop) I didn't sign up for this shit...HELP!" Police Dispatch: "We're sorry. You are not an official member of the NJPD and therefore cannot request backup. If you need further assistance, please hang up and dial 911..."

(Zach Morris...Is that You?)

Live Life the Michael Douglas Way

Michael Douglas has recently come out swinging against a few famous faces in Hollywood, namely Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellweger-Chesney, and Julia Roberts-Lovett. Personally, if I ever met this man I would congratulate him on one of the funniest statements of the year, which he made regarding Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. "I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina." Is Chris Rock writing his material? He went on to mention that he doesn't understand how people can get married for 4 months, naming Zellweger for her marriage to Kenny Chesney, and Julia Roberts' incomprehensible marriage to Lyle Lovett.

However, Michael Douglas really shouldn't be making comments about the love lives of others. Thats like George W. calling Sadaam Hussein a murderer...but I guess it takes one to know one. Douglas has been divorced twice, and was rumoured to be a recovering sex addict until the miraculous happened and Catherine Zeta-Jones agreed to marry him. Douglas is 61 years old, while Zeta-Jones-Douglas is 36. Michael Douglas has a son who is 27. You know that kids got a shot with her when the elder Douglas retires from life. That all being said, I would like to propose a toast to Michael Douglas; his unprovoked attack on fellow celebrities on a topic he has no right to speak on has made me laugh out loud at my computer desk. As a side note to this story, the thought of his naked, rotting corpse on top of Catherine Zeta-Jones has, in my eyes, lowered her from Salma Hayek hot to Nicole Kidman hot; she's a beautiful gal, but it sort of ends there. But whenever Gordon Gecko's Life Stock Market crashes, she will resume her rightful place along side Salma in the Pantheon of Hotness.