Monday, March 06, 2006

And the Oscar goes to...Three Six Mafia?!?

Last night, as some of you may know, was the 78th annual Academy Awards. I watch my fair share of movies, but this year's awards didn't involve many movies that I was interested in rooting for. I mean,I get the creeps just by looking at Philip Seymour Hoffman; I certainly don't want to watch him accept an award for playing an eccentric writer. (In an unrelated note, why do so many actors have 3 names? Why do so many athletes use only one? Hmmm...) Ang Lee, of Crouching Tiger and Hulk fame, won Best Director for Brokeback Mountain. I refuse to stoop to making a Brokeback Mountain joke, but has anyone else heard about the deleted scene where a transformed Bruce Banner stands in for Health Ledger during a love scene? Apparently it was so bad that Jake Gyllenhaal is still shitting green. I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, and I probably never will because I have no interest in it. Cowboys are cool, but gay cowboys I don't know about. Even if you go to this flick and get what you expected, do you really want to see a gun battle between a gang of desperados and two guys who just finished talking about whether their boots match their cowboy hats? Finally, can we get a less obvious name for a gay cowboy flick than Brokeback Mountain?

Resse Witherspoon won Best Actress for playing Johnny Cash's wife. Based on her earlier movies, like her Legally Blonde crimes against humanity and her rousing role in as Adam Sandler's mom in Little Nicky, I didn't see this one coming. But she seems nice, and looks real good, so lets move on. Rachel Weisz won Best Supporting Actress for The Constant Gardener. I really didn't like that movie. Plus, she just played a whorish, me-first wife to Ralph Fiennes' quite, nieve husband. I really liked him in this movie; her not so much. How are you going to cheat on your husband while your pregnant, and who are you going to find to cheat on him with? Apparently that wasn't a problem in an impovershed village in a third world country.

George Clooney won Best Supporting Actor for his role in Syriana, which I did not see. I like him in general, and I'm sure it was a good movie. I guess my movie tastes differ from those of the Academy. If movies are too serious I really am not interested. That's not to sound ignorant or uninformed, but if I'm going to the movies I want to be entertained. I'd rather watch pirates in a caribbean setting than Charlize Theron somehow make herself un-hot and work in a mine. How can you get fired up for a movie like Passion of the Christ? Once you sit down, all you have to look forward to is a replaying of horrible events that are not only unsettling, but so graphic you wonder if Mel Gibson has footage of Christ's actual crucifiction. That is not my idea of a good time...

Anyway, the high point of the night was obviously when members of Three Six Mafia won an Academy Award for Best Original Song. You knew they were going to win when Queen Latifah came out to present the award. Can someone tell me how movies like Capote and Brokeback Moutain get nominated for Oscars along side a song called "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp?" Five years ago, if someone had wanted to bet me that Three Six Mafia would win an Oscar, I would have taken that action for my entire life earnings and all my earlthy possessions. The thought of them winning an Oscar was similar to contemplating the possibility of Paul Walker winning Best Actor at next year's awards; totally outside the realm of possibility. Perhaps the members of the Academy didn't feel the need to peruse Three Six Mafia's back catalog before they invited them to the show. These dudes are GRIMEY. They are from Tennessee, and really don't belong performing at an award show like the Academy Awards. Composers of other classics like "Stay High,""Ridin' Spinners," and my personal favorite "Sippin' on some Sizzzurp," the Three Six Mafia are almost too raw to be invited to ANY shows, nevermind the friggin' Oscars.

Think about what these guys have in common with anyone else in the room; nothing. The songs I just mentioned revolve around smoking purp sacks, ridin' spinners (rims), and drinking perscription-strength codeine cough syrup, the kind given to lung cancer patients. So what did they talk to Tom Hanks about when they saw him backstage? Did they congratulate Dolly Parton, who was nominated in their category? I mean, if you did saw the awards you know...these guys were fired up. Jon Stewart, who from what I saw did an admirable job hosting, laughed for about twenty seconds after Three Six got off the stage, and after he announced the next presenter, he said he could still hear them backstage. He also made the astute observation "Now THAT is how you celebrate winning an Oscar!"

So what have learned from this year's Oscars? Basically that there were a lot of shitty movies out last year. There wasn't that big, Lord of the Rings movie like there had been in the past. A lot of historical dramas, which usually clean up on Oscar night, failed to impress enough in 2005 to even merit nominations. The biggest point of the night for me was that rap has formally invaded the Oscars. Even though Eminem won for "Lose Yourself," this is different. He is white. Three Six Mafia is the polar opposite. To have them come in, and not only win, but perform a song about a Pimp in front of every major player in Hollywood...thats something. So in tribute to last night, and to Three Six Mafia in general, I leave you with several samplings of their genius.

Ridin' Spinners
My rims so shiny they clear like flat-screen plasma
Gals break when they see em' it's hard to breathe like they got asthma
Older people trippin' cause they think they seein' thangs
My car sittin' still but my rims still rolin' man, they off the chain
Stay High
DJ Paul is a dog, one you do not trust
You leave your green around me nigga your green gonna get lit up
You leave your drink around me believe your drink gonna get drunk up
You leave your girl around me if she bad she gonna get stuck
And finally, the most intense 30 second intro to any song you can think of. It really makes you consider whether you would even be allowed to hang out with Three Six Mafia, or more importantly, if you could physically handle the beating your body would endure from illegal substances...
Sippin' on Some Syrup
Yeah you old pussy ass, fake ass, punk ass, trick ass, sucka ass, fuck ass/KY Jelly packin ass, nigga you better get ya bitch ass up off the street/You got five seconds to get yo hatin' ass up out of here cuz there's some trill-ass niggas in this muthafucka.
Yeah nigga you know the muthafuckin' score/Ya'll non-snorters, non-smokers, non-sippers get the fuck up outta here bitch!
Nigga there's some sippin' ass, pourin' up ass, smokin' ass, gettin' high ass niggas in here/Three-Six, UGK we puttin' it down in this muthafucka/And we ain't playin with pour it up nigga.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

now thats some crazy ass niggaz I want to roll wit'


1:57 PM  

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