The Wide, Wide World of News

Human Quadrupeds?

The BBC is producing a documentary dealing with a family from Turkey that walks on all fours. As you may well know, humans walk on two legs, and use their arms and hands for various other tasks. This five brothers and sisters of the family, ages 18-34, naturally walk on all fours. All of them are mentally retarded due to a underdeveloped brain. That isn't the cause of them walking on all fours though. Their parents allowed them to walk like that their whole lives. Three of them have never stood on two feet, and two of them occasionally do. It is important because scientists didn't think humans were capable of doing this, making them somewhat like a Missing Link. Personally, I gotta see what this looks like. For most of us, the only person we see on all fours is our girlfriends (or boyfriends if yours is a Rusty Trombone fan...). To see humans impersonating animals physically would really be something. Imagine how those guys who can make duck calls or bird calls are going to feel when they realize this family has been making them look bad for 34 years. That has to be crushing to realize while you were trying to mimick birds with your voice, this family is trying to mimick a good part of the animal kingdom by walking like the animals. The thought that this family is mentally handicapped is limiting what I can say, so I will end with this honest question: Do they pee like my dog does?

Uh, Waiter....There's a Hair in my Lobster.

Many different species of animals are discovered every year, but it is rare for a new discovery to require its own family and genus designation. Diving in the vicinity of Easter Island (you know the one with the huge megaliths), guys exploring 7,000 feet below the surface found this furry bastard crawling along. It is 6 inches long (which makes some of you out there insanely jealous), and has pincers like a lobster, but they are covered in hair, like your back. Because this creature has no eyes, it is as blind as a high school chemistry student without an eye wash station near by. Whenever a new species is discovered, I wish there was video footage of it. I mean, pretend your exploring the ocean, way below the surface, when this thing that looks like a lobster comes meandering past. What do you do? Humans fear the unknown in general. How did whoever discovered this thing know that it wouldn't attack? Also, it must be tough to react properly when you see something that looks like it came from the Sea World gift shop floating around 7,000 feet below the ocean's surface. Keep those new species coming boys...

People Have More Sex Than Usual on Spring Break?

Unbelievably, the American Medical Association is reporting the woman who go on vacation for Spring Break engage in more drinking and sexual activity than normal. In other news, the American Medical Association is changing its name to the American Masters-of-the-Obvious Association. Really AMA? Did you think we didn't already know this? According to this report, girls get sick and black out from drinking during spring break; also they engage in unprotected sex with more than one partner. The article did not provide statistics for those woman who get black out drunk and have sex at the same time, nor did it specify whether women were having sex with more than one guy different guy, or if it was more than one sexual partner at once. Either way, it seems that this report is implying that spring break is nothing more than a week long bender, sprinkled with random sex from someone you don't know and probably will never see again. Ok, noooooooow I understand why college students go to Cancun and Panama City every year.