Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Just Running My Mouth

-Yesterday the NFL made some news, announcing part of their schedule for nationally televised games as well as announcing that their competition committee is going to do something to curtail touchdown celebrations. On Sportscenter last night this was one of the top news stories of the day, followed promptly by commercials for ESPN's Monday Night Games...IN SEPTEMBER. ESPN you have got to be fucking kidding me. This little indescretion was more distracting than Stuart Scott's eye. How dare you, ESPN, subject me to commercials for football games on your network that won't take place for more than 5 months? I keep hoping for something, anything, to deter my wave of hatred against your station. Instead you are turning it into a tsunami. For a visual description of my hatred for ESPN, these commercials are like the tide pulling back into the ocean, right before the tsunami hits. This was the straw that broke Chris Berman's back. I am coming for you soon ESPN, guns blazing...I just hope you are ready for it.

-As far as the touchdown celebrations go, I'd like to say this to the NFL: Stop taking yourself so seriously. Why are you going to punish guys for celebrating? I understand it if someone like Terrell Owens runs to the middle of the oppositions field, spikes the ball and mocks the entire organization. But what about Chad Johnson keeping it classy, busting out a Riverdance, putting with a pylon, or handing out Christmas presents like Santa Claus? Now you may be wondering, what does the NFL's Competition Committee deem acceptable celebration behavior? Players can spike the ball, spin it on the ground, and even dunk it over the goalpost without fear of a penalty! That is unless the aformentioned items are done with a group or for a prolonged period of time. Also, you can't celebrate on the ground, or use any props in the celebration. Sadly, the NFL is cracking down on an overall problem based on the actions of a few. Luckily for the rest of us, the best endzone celebrator in the league, Chad Johnson, isn't concerned: "Of course you cannot stop someone as creative as me. How can this bother someone as creative as me? Tell the competition committee that Chad said you can't cover 85, and there's no way you can stop him from entertaining."

-One more highlight from the NFL's schedule announcement is this so-called "Manning Bowl," the first time in history that brothers will quarterback opposing teams in the same game. Excuse me for not caring. Peyton Mannrino has never won a big game in his life, and his brother Eli is further away from a Super Bowl than his brother. Wake me up when these two are playing for the Super Bowl...until then, my only hope is that this is the first game in history when two brothers share an ambulance.

-Recently there has been a lot of news about immigration laws in the United States. The U.S. wants to enforce their borders better and make sure that illegal immigrants do not enter the United States unaccounted for...pretty good policy I think, considering how many enemies the U.S. has. In Los Angeles on Saturday, a protest against the bill took place. Over 500,000 people showed up to support illegal immigrants, even going as far as demanding amnesty for the estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. Far be it from me to argue domestic policy with people who aren't U.S. citizens, but if you are an ILLEGAL immigrant, doesn't that mean that its illegal for you to be in this country? What right do you have to protest, nevermind go out in public during the day. Bush could have ordered all the buses from Katrina over to Los Angeles, and probably 80% of that crowd could have been deported. How do you have a rally in your country that features roughly 5% of an illegal population? Out of the 12 million illegal immigrants, 500,000 show up to try and convince the government to allow them to stay? Only in America people...only in America.

(How many Mexicans does it take...)

At least the Mexicans at the rally had things in perspective. A Mexican rapper had this to say: "We construct your schools. We cook your food. We are the motor of this nation, but people don't see us. Blacks and whites, they had their revolution. They had their Martin Luther King. Now it is time for us." More incredulous words have never been spoken. According to this guy, Mexicans are responsible for your kids being able to attend school. Also, your kids wouldn't eat if it weren't for Mexicans. And finally, white people had to revolt (against who?) and according to him, Mexicans are about to do the same. There is one main sticking point that is being missed by the masses. YOU ARE ALL HERE ILLEGALLY. Whether they crossed the border in someone's trunk, or floated here on a door, of even said 'Fuck It' and jumped the razorwire border fence, the bottom line is that they are here illegally. Everyone in America has at least a distant relative who immigrated here. I do not believe that all immigrants should leave the country. I am simply stating that there are laws in the U.S., and just because you got here illegally doesn't mean you get to stay. If I break into someone's house, I don't get to stay there because I'm already there.

If you are here illegally, you don't have any of the rights that U.S. citizens have. Amnesty? You better watch your mouth. It seems that the Mexicans only supporting evidence to back their claim to citizenship is that they work manual labor jobs. "Enough is enough of the xenophobic movement," said some doosh from Honduras. "They are picking on the weakest link in society, which has built this country." Jesus, I am starting to see a trend. Let's read one more quote: "When did you ever see a Mexican blow up the World Trade Center? Who do you think built the World Trade Center?" Whoever said this should be taken immediately from this country. According to illegal Mexican immigrants, they are the only ones that have built buildings in this country. Without their willingness to work long hours for short change, nothing in America would be built. We would all live in thatched huts built by, you guessed it, Mexicans. Have you seen a white guy blow up the WTC you fucking moron? The only people who ever have or ever will blow up the WTC is militant Muslims; its impossible for anyone else to do it again. Its not a white man's fault that I have to go to the airport two and half hours before my flight, take off my sweatshirt and shoes, and go through more metal detectors than a bum on the beach...but we do it to enjoy the freedoms alotted to us by being U.S. citizens. If you want to live in the U.S., there are certainly legal ways to do it. Don't start grasping at the wind here because your uncle and cousins have to go back to Mexico. If you are an immigrant here, you're just like me: a U.S. citizen. But if you are here illegally, do me a favor and head home, then come back and do it the right way. In the end, you're gonna get burnt because America doesn't owe you shit.

(We sure would Lady)

-In this year's poll of FHM readers, the magazine has named its "100 Sexiest Women in the World." This year's #1 lady? Scarlett Johansson. Personally, I think this is a good choice. Usually the person on the top of the list is whichever sexy lady in Hollywood is causing the most scandalous commotion at the time: Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, or that ugly bitch who used to be hot...uh whats her name..shit i forget she couldn't sing, is white trash..ummm...o ya Britney Spears. Scarlett Johansson is not only beautiful, she is a good actress and seems a bit classier than your usual suspects. Congrats to you for being someone people can look at without wondering who she is banging, if she has real tits, or if she is coked out of her mind.

(God Damn!)

This being said, lets take a walk through the Top 10 and see who's who. Coming in at number 2 is Angelina Jolie. This is a pick I guess I can accept, even though I am beyond sick of hearing about her. A little advice: stop collecting kids. You look like an idiot going through third world villages and scooping up kids you want to own...I mean raise. It doesn't endear you to a list of hottest women in the world...although I'm sure thats not why you are starting an adoption center in your home. Jessica Alba is at #3. She could have attained this spot simply based on her performance in Sin City. Good lord she is sexy. Its worth mentioning that if there was a list of the 100 Worst Actresses Who Still Get Jobs, she would occupy the same spot. #4 is Jessica Simpson. Don't get me wrong, she is ridiculously hot in Dukes of Hazzard. But her hotness must pay the price for her Pizza Hut commercials, for butchering a perfectly good Nancy Sinatra song, and for being possibly the dumbest 25 year old on Planet Earth. The Top 5 is rounded out by Keira Knightley, and I'm happy with that pick. She is gorgeous, and she has a British accent. After seeing Domino, I would definately say she is in the top 5.

(I Said God Damn!)

At #6 we have Halle Berry. Is anyone going to argue that she should be on this list? I have gotten sun spots in my eyes from looking at her before. Number 7 is Jenny McCarthy, and while I won't find many to say she isn't hot, I think all her nose picking and un-funny comedy have caught up with me. Quit being gross and just be hot!!! You aren't funny so stop it, sit there, and look pretty!!! Number 8 is Maria Sharapova, a tennis player with legs for days. She is beautiful, and unlike other hot tennis players, she has actually won something. She's also pretty young so I will end it right there. At 9 is Carmen Electra. Look, she is hot, but she has no other marketable talents. Let's just leave her in Playboy and find someone else to include next year...enough is enough. Finally, we get to Teri Hatcher. She is, I believe, the oldest one on the list, but not many age as gracefully as her. She is still beautiful, and it helps that she has that amazing rack...really helps actually. That's the top 10 in a nutshell...go read the magazine if you want to see the rest.

Looking back over the list, I would say it is pretty good. I would have taken a few of the ladies off and replaced them with others, but to each his own. Salma Hayek should be on there without a doubt. However, when you are dealing with women this hot, you can't really complain.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

What in the hell right does any illegal immigrant have to even speak in this country? Bush should have had a buses waiting for these people and droped them off at the boarder. Where do they get off taking credit for AMERICAN ingenuity and construction of AMERICA's buildings?

As for the 100 hottest women, very pleased with the list of top 10. I'm a little shocked jenny mcarthy hasn't been bitch slapped right off that thing.. she is so annoying.

The NFL is acting like the FCC and trying to take the entertainment factor out of the game. They are taking things to seriously and forgetting that it is a GAME!

8:00 AM  

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