Friday, March 31, 2006


Dear Traffic,

I fucking hate you. You make me late for work in the morning, and you delay my arrival home at night. Your reasons for existence continue to befuddle me. Outside of a car accident, I cannot understand what causes you. Something must be done. Your insistent persistence makes you as welcome as Gilbert Godfried in a library. When you cause a Jam, the reasons for it remain a mystery...that is until I start to speed up and realize there is was no logical reason at all. Humans contribute to you as well. Rubberneckers slowing down to get a view of a car wreck. Commuters driving 65 mph who slam on their brakes everytime a cop drives by. Speed traps set up by lazy cops with nothing better to do than pick off people trying to get home on a Friday night. These are all reasons that contribute to Traffic.

However, there is one other cause for traffic that I will not tolerate: Road construction during the day. See, here is where the line between most drivers and the state of Massachusetts is blurred. The state, it seems, is not fluid in the language of LOGIC. For instance, is it LOGICAL to have three state cops in squad cars, lights and all, block off 2 lanes of a 3 lane highway while two Mass. Highway Dept. trucks carry signs with lighted arrows moving people into one lane, so that another truck called a Pothole Medic can fill potholes in the vacant lanes of the highway? At 9am on a Friday, near where two major highways merge into each other and head into Boston? Traffic, are you in cahoots with the state of Massachusetts? Are they helping you form and purposely contributing your your growth and sustenance? I hope its not true, but I think I already know the answer.

This seems like a conspiracy to me Traffic. I don't know who the ringleader is, you or the state, but I want answers. For instance, why not fill potholes at 3am when traffic is reduce by about 90% compared to the morning. Why can't police and utility vehicles shut off their flashing, distracting lights when they aren't needed? Are speed traps really necessary? If five people drive by a cop in a speed trap going 90mph, you can't ticket all five, so do you just pick one sorry loser at random? Can you explain why when the weather is better, when it is lighter outside, traffic is worse? All of these things contribute to you, Traffic. You are the effect brought about by a cause. The cause is brought about by state workers and police. The REASONS behind the cause? That I cannot answer. Perhaps police detail work pays better during daytime hours. Or maybe police don't like working in the middle of the night.

Whatever the case, Traffic, I implore you...ease up. You will always be there, and when there is a logical reason, you won't hear this guy complain. However, you must put an end to the unnecessary stoppages and delays. Many people caught in traffic are trying to get somewhere they need to be. Depending on the degree of urgency, that can lead to more traffic, more accidents, and the dreaded case of Road Rage. I realize drivers contribute the problem, but on a clear, distraction-free road, we'll figure it out. Please talk to your friends from the state and figure this out... or sooner or later the Pothole Medic is going to need an ambulance.

Sincizzerely Yizzours,

A. D. Orio

(A Blood Bath Waiting to Happen)


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