Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Changes in the Wide, Wide World

The winds of change is blowing here at The Wide, Wide World of Sports, and it has nothing to do with The Scorpions. This blog has less than a month left in its existence, as there are plans to move up and into a website of its own. I will release the name and web address when I secure the rights to it. The date we are looking at is the end of May for the switch. The new site will contain blogs, but will be an online newspaper first and foremost. News, sports, opinions...links to comedy, other words, there will be plenty there to keep you up with the outside world, while providing a place to waste time. Until then, all of my efforts will be put into winning the Next Great Sportswriter contest on at Instead of checking this site each day, hit up I will be writing about sports, so if that doesn't interest you, I will see you at the new website. Otherwise, come support me as I try to write my way out of accounting hell.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Jack Bauer...The Son your Mother Wishes She Had

(Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep)
Time to talk about 24; a show I never watched a second of before the new season started last fall. Originally, I thought the idea of having each episode be an hour out of a day was wack. In the past I have been guilty of rushing to judgement, or condemning someone or something based on a preconceived notion. When you engage in this type of behavior, you invariably get it wrong from time to time. Usually when I am proved wrong I get mad...but in cases like these whats the point? I get to watch a show I enjoy that I never would have watched before.

Yesterday the show reached the 1am-2am hour; this season started at 7am so we only have about 4 hours left. As I said before, I never watched 24 until this year. But if each day is as action packed as this one, I'm glad I don't live in that world. Jesus Christ things have been hectic. I'm not going to go into detail about everything that has happened, because that would take way too long. Also, if you aren't a fan of 24 and are still reading, I don't want to turn you away. I just want to talk about my observations of it.

The star of this show is Jack Bauer, moodily played by Keifer Sutherland. Keif never stood out for me in his other works, but he was born to play Bauer. Actually, he should seriously look into changing his name to Jack Bauer, considering what a badass he is on the show. Bauer is an agent at CTU, the government agency that he used to work for. At the end of season 4, something happened that forced him to fake his own death. Events that take place in the current time force him back out, where he gets involved with a Presidential scandal. Up until last night's episode, the President had been killed, along with half of CTU, dozens of civilians, several high-ranking government officials, and many collateral casualties. Yet Jack remains, fighting the good fight and miraculously staying off the death list .

("DO NOT make me shoot you Movie have done enough damage already.")

24 is a great hour of drama; there is no denying that. Yet there are some little things that I have noticed and want to share. For instance, I love the way the show picks up extra characters during an episode, only to have them killed by the end. In the past few weeks, Jack needed a bank manager to let him into his bank to gather evidence. The man complies, but by the end of the show he is dead in the backseat of a truck. The next week, a security guard gets mixed up with Jack and has to fight off the enemy. Jack survives the hale of bullets, while Security Guard #2 gets wacked.

Another thing is Jack's Hood. I have never seen anyone but Jack Bauer become invisible after putting on a hood. You know when he scowls and throws up the hood...It's Go Time. It happened just last night while Jack was trying to board a plane full of government personnel. First, he jumped on the gas tanker that was going to fill up the plane's fuel supply. Then, he took a not-so-silent phone call from the top of the tanker, while driving towards the plane. Finally, the fueling tank stopped, and Jack needed to find a way onto the plane. Enter...The Hood. Jack whips the hood over his head and grabs two suitcases, then proceeds to walk up the conveyor belt carrying luggage into the plane. He enters the cargo area and hides, awaiting take off and next weeks episode. Harry Potter should look into getting a hoodie instead of an Invisibility Cloak...The Hood seems to be fool proof.

(The camera man paid for his extreme close-up with a Columbian Neck Tie)

Look, no matter what the a t.v. show portrays, it doesn't represent reality at all. 24 would be the bloodiest show ever if Fox showed what happened when people really get shot in the neck. That being said, anyone who takes a television show as a true view of reality is an idiot anyway(yes, even those of you who watch reality shows). I'm assuming Jack's previous 4 days have been similar to this, in which case he would have been dead a long time ago. This being tv, however, Jack can kill many while being injured little.

Take the episode a few weeks ago when he went from being Jack Bauer to a cross between Rambo and Solid Snake. I wish they showed Jack's stats after each mission, like in a video game. He would be hovering around 89% accuracy with the hand gun, accounting for 15 Murder/Death/Kills, with 9 head shots and no health used. He was trying to get a woman's daughter back when he stormed the stronghold of the enemy, silently murkin' four dudes with his huge knife and bare fists. Then he sniped out two other henchmen, managed to save the girl and her mom, but let the evidence get away. Hey, nobody's perfect. If he got the evidence too, what would he do next week?

(This is how a President should look and act)

This week also saw the apparent demise of Secretary of Defense James Heller. He is the father of one of Jack's love interests from the past, but his introduction into this stream of events was, for me, awsome. This role is played perfectly by William Devane, who I think should start getting more movie roles based on this performance. In the show, he behaves exactly how the President should be behaving; patriotic, fighting for the truth. His fatal mistake was to go against the star of the show, which probably led to his immediate dismissal. Jack has a recording of the President admitting his involvement in the days events, but when he gives it to Heller, Heller doesn't like Jack's plan. So Bauer is on the receiving end of one of the worst blows to the face ever taken on non-cable television. Heller tries to make the President resign, but he himself is forced to resign. That resignation didn't last long, as Heller just drove his car into the ocean after being followed by a chopper. Did he survive the impact? Was there an air pocket he can breathe in until help comes? Tune in next week...

You know what, I will tune in next week. I will continue to watch 24 because Fox doesn't fuck around with it. Of all the shows I watch week in and week out, 24 is the most dependable. The main point is that it is on every Monday at 9, no matter what. Unlike Lost, where you get two episodes and then three weeks off...then another episode and two more weeks off. That sort of unforgivable scheduling makes it tough for viewers to stay interested and keep track of things. Also, the format of Lost makes these breaks supremely annoying because you have a big build up, then two weeks of let down. 24 also avoids the trappings of another Fox show Prison Break, by giving the audience something during the show, but leaving them wanting more. Fox took a 4 month break with Prison Break, and it had great ratings when it left us with the guys in the middle of a breakout. Now it is back, and these fuckers are still in jail. BREAK THE FUCK OUT FOR CHRIST's SAKE. 24 keeps momentum rolling and makes you remember that you have plans next Monday at 9pm to get Bauered to the Face.

Monday, April 24, 2006

NFL Mock Drafts

By all accounts, the NFL is the most popular and successful professional sports league in America. There are many different reasons for this, chief among them being the typical male sports fans affection for the gridiron. The NHL is an ever-declining league, the NBA can't be successful without Jordan playing, and Major League Baseball is going strong, but faces many problems of its own. Americans love seeing others get hit hard, so that works for football. Football is the gladiator sport for the masses, only Tom Brady doesn't get a broad sword through the neck when the Pats lose. Also, Americans have a short attention span in general, which is why a 16 game season is perfect for them. If you have ever done fantasy sports leagues, you know what I mean. Football is easy because you have a week in between games to load up your team. Baseball plays a 162 game schedule, making it nearly impossible to win a fantasy league without updating your roster daily. Yet for all the advantages it has, the NFL is fucking KILLING me in two regards, one major and one minor. The minor problem is they have something called Schedule Day. The other, more major problem I have with the league is...Mock Drafts.

Schedule Day is the most idiotic thing I have ever seen...but it works. To me its as exciting as a morphine drip, but people treat the day the schedule is released like a national holiday... which doesn't make any sense considering the rosters of each team will be vastly different on September 1st than they are today. Trained chimps don't respond this well to a controlled variable, which in this case is anything with the letters N-F-L attached to it. What shocks me is the way people scout the schedule to see what games they are going to watch in November or December. Is your life so empty that you have to block off a Pats-Colts game on your calandar 6 months from now? Think about how pathetic that is. When schedules are released, there is no harm in looking it over and seeing who your team plays and when. However, the way the NFL went about their schedule release, it was like draft day or something. I'm reasonably sure that some idiots took the day off too. What a let down that must be. "Dude the fuckin' Pats are playing the Broncos in Octobah. We can get revenge on those fuckahs for endin' ah season last year." Uhh, ya I can't wait. Except its April. Tom Brady is still on vacation. For all you NFL diehards that take it to that other level...get a life.

(In a recent poll, 84% of NFL fans would rather look at this draft emblem than be alone and naked in a room with Carmen Electra)

Now, I realize the NFL doesn't make people like Mel Kiper, Jr. or the mysterious Dr. Z come up with mock drafts, but they certainly don't discourage it...and for what? I want someone to go back through time and match up all the mock drafts with the actual drafts. I bet the Kiper's of the world are right maybe 40% of the time....maybe. Howcome after the draft comes and goes, nobody ever calls them on it? If I predict sales figures for my company that are way off, I could lose my job. Kiper? He gets a prime slot in next years draft coverage. They can't be good at the job, because if they predicted the first round exactly, nobody would watch it on the tele. Its incredible that drafts even get coverage considering none of those players have ever played in the NFL. I understand that for the team that gets Reggie Bush, it is a big deal. But do you have to watch at 1pm to find out, or will Reggie Bush be a Texan at the end of the day regardless? Maybe staring at the t.v. waiting for an old man to call out a kid's name is enjoyable to you all, but to me its the bane of the NFL.

For my money, baseball is the best and only game in town. I appreciate the difficulties of each sport, and have played most of them in my time. While I enjoy watching NFL games, I think there is a lot wrong with that league. The most disturbing problem I have with the NFL is that they make it seem like America revolves around it, and that isn't the case. The NFL should get Schedule Day and Draft Day in a room and have them fuck...after which will be born NFL Who Gives A Shit Day, where all the NFL's schedules, drafts, advertising campaigns, fund raisers, and special programs are all spoken about in depth to the people who want to hear about it...couch potatoes, Al Bundy-esque high school football legends, and NFL Chimps.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Presidential Disapproval Rating

Today President Bush's Presidential Approval Rating hit an all-time low: 33%. That means that only 33% of the people in this country feel like Bush is a good President. Three out of ten might be good for a baseball player's batting average, but for a President that is horrible. Bush can barely get one out of three people to approve of the job he is doing. There has to be a mathamatical breaking point at which time his Approval Rating because a DisApproval Rating. After all, if the majority of people are in the negative on this, then it doesn't make sense to have an Approval Rating. Look at it this way: Bush's Approval Rating is 33%. His DisApproval Rating is 67%. A little change of perspective sometimes puts things into perspective.

(I'm gonna infer that one to my homegirl Condaleeza)

So what does this all mean? What does it say about our country? The first thing I say is, why couldn't you fucking assholes who voted for Bush a second time realize the mistake you were making in 2004? I realize hindsight is 20/20, but Jesus Christ... This guy has continued to hurt the country first and foremost, but his image as well. This has been going on since the middle of his first term. I want to know how he mustered enough votes to get back into office?

Which leads me to the next question...did he actually win the 2004 election? I mean, through history Republicans and Democrats usually stick to their guns, no matter what. In this case however, that has not been the trend. Republicans dominate the Senate and Congress through their party members holding highly appointed offices, including the Presidency. Even with the overwhelming majority on the Republican side, Bush can't even get his approval rating near 50%. Perhaps it is an idealistic view of the position, but a President of the United States should be closer to 60% than 30.

(GW can't hide his disappointment after being told Napoleon Dynamite won't be able to accept a position in his cabinet because he isn't a real person)

So who pays the price when the Head Honcho does such a shitty job? Everyone involved with him of course. The United States is never going to say the President sucks or that he isn't doing his job well, and Bush isn't going to step the next logical move is to fire every and anyone around him. Many members of Bush's administration have stepped down recently, including most recently Karl Rove and White House Chief Spokesman Scott McClellen. These guys aren't the first, as members of Bush's leadership have been dropping like flies in the passed few months. "It's going to be hard to replace Scott," said Bush. "Nevertheless, he's made the decision, and I accept it." The airhorn for the bullshit alarms just sounded throughout Washington D.C. McClellan didn't just decide to step down. He doesn't want to spend more time with his family or pursue other endeavors. His ass was fired because Bush's administration needs whipping boys, and the President sure as hell isn't gonna get whipped. Instead, by the end of his second term, Bush will probably have an entirely new leadership group. Cheney and Rumsfeld might stick around, but Rummy is on thin ice as we speak.

(Did someone tell him...or did he figure it out by himself?)

Look...Bush obviously isn't going to step down. If he did there would be a national celebration to end all. Children would cry, man would embrace woman...neighbors would offer up congratulatory handshakes and hugs to neighbors. The immigrants would finally have something to march about. People in France, and in China, and in Saudi America(Iraq) would throw their hats into the air in unison, celebrating the end of a forgettable era. We could even lower the flags to 1/3 staff, to match Bush's approval rating at the time of his departure. Strangely enough, 33% is a number that has followed Bush since college. If you put it on a college grading scale of 4.0, you end up with George W.'s cumulative college GPA of 1.32

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Musical Taste

Today we are gonig to talk about music, and the way it involves people. I am not talking about musicians, although they are included in this group. I am talking about everyone-you, me, the guy in the cubicle next to you, or the lady who brings sneakers and and ipod with her for her lunch break. The type of music people listen to can say a lot about that person. That works both a positive and negative way. For instance, if you see a guy walking down the street in all black, wearing a Korn shirt...well you will have certain preconceived notions about that person. Or if you see a guy with long hair and a tye-died Grateful Dead shirt, you can be assured that 65-70% of people who walk passed him decide he is a stoner without ever knowing him. I know you do it, and I'm guilty of it too. Passing judgement on people based on what they listen to or how the music effects their appearance can lead to pegging people as something or someone they are not. Lets examine some types of music listeners.

(The number of people Master P has made say, 'UUUUGGGGHHHH,' is staggering)

First of all, let's talk about the people who, when asked what type of music they like, respond with, "I listen to everything." I would have to say this is the most popular answer when asked to name the type of music a person enjoys. This statement is misleading to say the least. For instance, I listen to many different kinds of music, but I don't listen to everything. I would never put something like Kenny Chesney or The Strokes on my ipod, because I despise that music...when means I do not listen to everything. Even though my musical tastes are deep and varied, I do not claim to listen to everything. People that do are either too ashamed of what is really in their cd player, or perhaps they claim to listen to everything because they are part of a second group...The Non-Listener.

Lets face the facts; it would be hard to go through an entire day on Earth without hearing some form of music. Whether its on a commercial, in an elevator, or in a mall, music is everywhere you go. I would guess that humans aren't even aware of how much music they hear during the course of the day. That being said, there are still a number of people who claim they don't listen to music. They don't have album collections, no mp3s...nothing. They have no interest in hearing music at all. To me, this is mind boggling. Granted, I can't understand that because I like to listen to a lot of music. But it just seems to me that if you can't enjoy a great song, you are missing out on a lot in life.

Another point is what I eluded to before; you can't judge a person by their album it were. Judging by appearance, you wouldn't think that I was into rap music that much; but I challenge you to find someone as knowledgeable about it as I am. You also wouldn't guess that someone who enjoys rap would enjoy Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong just as much. There is different music for all occasions. Whether you are getting ready to go out to a club or bar and need to hear some southern rap, or you are relaxing on your porch on a warm summer evening listening to a little classic rock, music can usually play into a mood or feeling you are having. Why do you think movies have soundtracks? Why do you think football teams listen to Welcome to the Jungle before they take the field? Music effects us in ways plain words can't compete with.

With the incredible popularity of iPods, music has become as portable as people are. You would be hard pressed to drive through a city without seeing several people with white wires running up to their ears. The increased portability of music has led to people turning into Music Snobs. Yes, before any of my friends fire off an email to me...I am guilty as charged. As far as I'm concerned, my iPod is the shit. It is not complete by any means, and it is high time for me to upgrade since I filled my 20 gig months ago. But I am very happy that my iPod covers a vast array of music...not everything of course, but there is a lot there. You know you have a good selection when someone in the office says, "I want to hear that song 'Sandman,' and within a minute you can queue up The Chordettes classic. (Mr. Sandman...bring me a dreeeaaam...old school shit baby.)

(CCR=Creedence Clearwater Revival...I hope you all knew that)

I guess the point of this whole thing was this: You don't listen to everything, if you listen to nothing I feel bad for you, and according to me, I have the best musical taste ever. Final. Peace.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Greatness of ToeJam & Earl

(Earl...and ToeJam)
For those of you who never owned a Sega Genesis, I offer my sincere condolences. You probably never had the opportunity to play one of the best video games of all time...ToeJam & Earl. I'm not even sure how popular this game was outside of the people I knew growing up, but I know that it was one of the most unique games ever made. It was released in 1991, fresh out of the cosmic black hole known as the 80's. While the 80's spawned the video game culture of today, it was also responsible for some of the worst music ever created by humans. Luckily the 90's came along and changed things. If the 80's had become the 90's, I would have grown up wearing snap bracelets, acid wash jeans and a Bon Jovi t-shirt.

I'm getting off track...back to the game. ToeJam & Earl is the story of two aliens from the planet Funkatron. Their Rapmaster Rocket Ship crash lands on Earth after ToeJam lets Earl take the wheel. Once they reach Earth, their mission is to rebuild their ship so they can get back home. That won't be easy because there are many humans who get in their way that do whatever they can to stop the aliens. The game can be played with one or two players. I personally preferred playing as ToeJam because he has a bit more style than Earl.

The visuals and the music of ToeJam and Earl are what set it apart. The brightly coloured levels contrast with the players and the action on screen to provide a great looking game, especially considering its over 15 years old. Earth is represented as a multi-leveled planet, stacked one on top of another. The levels themselves are almost caricature's of real Earth environments. For instance, some levels are covered in pancake batter, which equates to real world quicksand. The true key to the game, however, is the music. This funk soundtrack really makes you feel like ToeJam and Earl know their stuff. It sound a lot like Herbie Hancock or George Clinton, but its not. Its just a guy who composed the music. The audio and visual combination helps make the game unforgetable.

ToeJam and Earl begin their quest out on an island. To move up to the next level you must find an elevator. There are 25 levels in the game, and each level requires you finding an elevator to go up to the next. You fall down levels if you fall of the edge of the level you are currently in. The next thing you'll notice is that it says 'Wiener' under your name. This is your current ranking. Each time you do well and earn enough points, your ranking improves. Here is the list of all rankings available for you to shoot for:
  1. Weiner
  2. Dufus
  3. Poindexter
  4. Peanut
  5. Dude
  6. Bro
  7. Honey
  8. Rapmaster
  9. Funklord

Obviously anyone would aspire to become Funklord...although Rapmaster certainly wouldn't be an insult. Personally, I have reached Honey, but never further than that.

(Earl about to grab a present on Level 1)

The game really wouldn't be fun if you just went level to level looking for spaceship pieces. ToeJam & Earl, like any game, has many items for the player to use. However, in this game the items take the form of presents. Collecting Bucks can help pay for certain things. You can carry only a certain amount of presents, and you don't know what each one holds until you open it. Once you do, that present is the same throughout.

There are many different types of items as well. Your main weapons consist of the Action Presents. These items can be used to defend, attack, or escape your enemies. Spring Shoes give you the ability to jump long distances. Icarus Wings allow you to fly anywhere for a short time. Rocket Skates and Super Hi-Tops make you run really fast. The Rocket Skates are especially hard to control, and can only be put on while on land. Innertubes allow you to float lazily through the water sections of each level. Your main weapon for attacking is Tomatoes. You can throw them at enemies, or use the Slingshot to shoot them from further away. You also have Rosebushes at your disposal, but be careful as they can prick you too. My favorite action item would have to be the Decoy. When you open the gift, a clone of either ToeJam or Earl pops up. Enemies go right after the decoy, leaving you free to escape from danger.

There are also food items, which ToeJam and Earl use to replenish health. They love to eat, and each time they eat something they react in a different way. For instance, when they eat Moldy Cheese they say "Gross!" and their health goes down. When they get Pizza or Cake or an Ice Cream Sundae they might say "Yumm" or "Wow." When you walk over food, you eat in right then and there. You sometimes may aquire presents with food in them, but it is usually random and may hurt your health.

(ToeJam and Earl...What a couple of Wieners)

Another option for aquire help is Bucks. Money is left lying all over the place, and ToeJam & Earl put it to good use. There are Mailboxes all over the place, where you can order present from with enough money. BE CAREFUL though because sometimes the Mailbox will turn into a monster and chase you around and knock you off the edge of the level. Other humans can be interacted with for the right price. For instance, for a Buck the Wizard will restore your health. Give two Bucks to the Wiseman and he will tell you what one of your presents is without you opening it. Finally, give the Opera Singer 3 Bucks and she will pop all the bad guys on the screen. When you pay someone to fill up your lifebar, you get a rousing rendition of "Hallelujah."

Other humans are just there to cause you harm. The Dentist laughs maniacally and hops after you hoping to poke you with his drill (no sexual innuendo intended). The Bogey Man is invisible and very hard to escape. There are Packs of Nerds that run you down, Moles that dig underneath you and take your presents, Tornados, Sharks, and even a Phantom Ice Cream Truck that runs you over. Cupid shoots you with arrows, rendering your ability to navigate useless. There is a Fatman with a Lawnmower who will cut you down. Chickens with Rockets come after you, as well as a Hamster in a Huge Ball.

My favorite part of this game is Level 0, which you can reach through the first level. To do so, you must aquire Icarus Wings or Rocket Innertube will work, but that is pushing it. All you do is start heading towards the bottom left corner of the level. In the game, unexplored sections of the level map are covered with blocks, which you flip to reveal the land as you go on. This enables you to see the entire level and find the elevators or ship pieces. Anyway, once you reach the utmost bottom corner, there is an island. If you jump through the hole in the middle of the island you reach Level 0. Here you can visit the lemonade stand and get your life filled up. Also, you can sit in a hot tub and converse with the Hawaiian women in bikinis. This also helps your life. The conversation consists of "Titter-Titter" and "He-He," but its a good day when you are having a lemonade in a hot tub with three belly dancers...even if it is a video game.

I'm reasonably sure that I am not the only person that ToeJam & Earl left a lasting impression on. The creativity that went into this game made for a memorable video game, to say the least. The fact that I am writing about it all these years later shows how I view the game. For those of you that never had a chance to play it, I'm sure you can find it on eBay or get a Sega emulator and play the rom online. It would be worth the time and minimal investment to aquire a copy of the game. Sega Genesis left us with many good games, but the only one that gets close to ToeJam as far as a creativity that sets it apart is Kid Chameleon. ToeJam and Earl had a sequel called Panic on Funkatron, but it never measured up to the original. ToeJam and Earl III came out on Xbox, and while it was closer to the original's roots, it was still lacking in comparision. So please, do yourself a favor and get a copy of the original game...trying to get off of Earth has never been so much fun.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Go Google Yourself...

Ok I'm back. Yesterday was a tough day because I got so flustered by the immigrant marches that I couldn't write anything at all. I think I got it out of my system, so today its time to Google yourself. I don't know at what point Google went from being an internet search engine to a verb, but it has happened all over the country. You read it, you see it on tv, and you hear it in everyday conversations. Hey, does anyone know the GDP of Somalia? "I don't know dude, just Google it." Dammit this book report is kicking my ass. "Fuckin' Google a book report on line bro." People will use Google in every situation where an internet search is involved. Anyway, I decided that since people love to Google things so much, why shouldn't I Google myself?

I took a stroll through cyberspace over to the Google website, and typed in my name. The search took .53 seconds and produced 65,700 results. I believe the reason I had so many hits was my first name, which is 'Adam.' I was curious to explore what sort of pages popped up on my search. Incredibly, the first page the search brings up is me. The strange thing is that it is a petition I signed online to try and stop the cancelation of Arrested Development on Fox. Here is what I added to my signature: "This show is so funny, its ridiculous that nobody watches it. Once you know the characters, almost every line or scene has a joke or something funny in it. BRING IT BACK!!!" I vaguely remember writing this, but the sentiment still is there...that show was really funny and nobody watched it...what a shame.

I was pleasantly surprised to find the next two pages were me too! My internet popularity is through the roof. Both are box scores of college baseball games. Apparently on March 14, 2004, I was 2-4 with a double and 3 Ribs(RBI). The next game was March 19, 2004. In that game I was 4-4 with 2 doubles, a HR and 5 Ribs. Not too shabby. I remember those games, they were out in California. The March 19th game was my first college home run. At this point I'm reasonably sure the only time my name is showing up on the internet is for baseball. The next five hits prove that, with something about a guy in Vegas and his Tivo, some kid in the Atlantic Youth Hockey League with my name, and a photographer with a photo journal from Mount Washington.

The last two hits on the first page involved me and some more baseball games. The first is a game I had a RBI single in, but the next one blew my mind because it was from high school. It's from when our team clinched being co-champs of our league, and there is a maaaad blurry picture of me there taking a pitch. The second page consisted of box scores, someone in a kids triathalon, another kid looking at horned owls with binoculars, and finally more baseball stuff from when I played Legion. That seemed like eons ago, and I didn't even know those games were getting into the newspaper.

(I'm taking a pitch...that isn't how I swing)

On page 3 of my self-Google search, my first and second name stopped showing up consecutively, meaning that any article with 'Adam' and 'DiOrio' in it were hits. I did, however, find the article I was hoping to find. It is from a college game on April 15, 2004. I would say this was my best day as a college baseball player. I entered the first game of a double header in the 9th inning as a pinch hitter, and promptly struck out with men on base. My next time up in the 10th, I made up for my strike out with an RBI single, which gave us a 6-4 lead going into the bottom of the 10th. Then, with the game tied at 6 in the top of the 12th inning, I came up with the bases loaded and hit a grand slam. In the second game of the double header I hit another home run. It is a great feeling to hit a game winning home run, and it being a grand slam made it even sweeter.

Outside of baseball box scores from past games, my relevance on the internet is close to nil. However, I was still curious about a few things. For instance, what is the strangest site I can visit through Google after Googling myself? I found a chiropractor in Las Vegas named Adam Christ DiOrio (my middle name seems so insignificant now). There's a Derek DiOrio that was on the tv show You Can't Do That on Television. Outside of that, its mostly a hodgepodge of random names that include 'adam' and 'diorio' separately, but in the same article. Also, I just found out if you search for your name with quotations around it, the results drop considerably. "Adam DiOrio" only yields 196 results as opposed to the un-quotationed Adam DiOrio which is over 65,000.

Strangely, when I Yahoo! myself, the results are different. The Yahoo! search only yielded 31,800 hits, and took just .11 seconds. I always thought Yahoo! and Google used the same search engine, but maybe they don't. Just for fun, I typed in a few famous names to see how many hits each would receive through Google. Typing in David Ortiz gives you 13,700,000 hits to choose from. Jessica Simpson came in with 8,730,000 hits. Our fearless leader George W. dominated things with 198,000,000 pages of idiocy. Axl Rose only had 1,580,000 pages dedicated to him, while Michael Jordan comes up 67 million times. These are names I just picked at random because I thought they would yield big results. Axl Rose was one I searched for just to see if people were interested in him even though he has been out of the spotlight for so long...same with Jordan. Jordan is obviously still relevant, but if the internet was around in the late 80's, I bet Axl would have been closer to 20 million hits.

Then I searched for famous people who, judging by the hit totals, I thought I had a chance to be more famous than. I first searched for Tom Arnold who amazingly had 28,800,000 hits. Kato Kalen who had a meager 13,400 which means I got that joker beat. I was dominated by Fred Savage, who had 5 million, and Kirk Cameron who had 4.7 million. I beat out Soleil Moon Frye by 3,300. Alan Thicke beat me out by a good margin, Ross Perot and Michael Dukakis beat me handily, and I was even beaten by cartoon character Millhouse van Houten (Simpsons), who took in 83,000 hits. Over all my name beats Punky Brewster and that guy from the O.J. case, so even though its slim fame, I'll take it.

So what have we learned about Googling yourself? Firstly, unless you were in the newspaper or own a website or something, you probably won't find much about yourself on Google. Also, the more common your first name is, the more likely it is to find pages containing that name. Finally, I realized that while 'Adam' is a common first name, Kato and Soleil are not. That makes me a D-List celebrity if we are basing it on Google, and thats all I'm basing it on. Thank you for go Google yourself and see what you can find.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Wide, Wide World of News: April 7, 2006

Here at the Wide, Wide World of Sports, we like to present the facts along with opinions and commentary on those facts. We feel this paints a better picture of events than just simply presenting news stories. Whether you agree with our opinions or not, it does give perspective from at least one side of the story. Before we get into the news, our editor wants to have a quick go at something that has been bothering him: Triple Names.

Why is it that actors or entertainers feel the need to be referred to by three names? A quick examply would be Ashley Parker Angel, that O-Town doosh from yet another MTV reality show. What about actor C. Thomas Howell, Tommy Lee Jones, or Francis Ford Copolla? While I am more open to older guys going by three names, or two names and an initial, I refuse to accept this as a growing trend. The thing that set this tirade off was when I saw a poster for the local high school drama club's version of Man from La Mancha. The star was credited as "C. Tucker Johnson." This is a dude in high school. When the teacher takes attendance, what does he say?
"Susie Johansson?"
"Jim Johns?"
Present. Then, with all the loathing and venom he can muster...
"C. Tucker. Johnson?"
"Is C. here? C. Tucker are you present? Is there a Mr. C Tucker Johnson here?"
'Yes I'm right here.'
"Good, there is a message here for you. CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME!!!

(Sadly, by 6th grade she was pregnant...)

4th-Grader Protests Miniskirt Dress Code

Out of Pennsylvania today comes the story of Zoe Hinkle, a 10 year old 4th grader. She and her mom are protesting her schools ruling that Zoe cannot wear a mini-skirt to school because it "disrupt the educational process or cause a safety hazard." According to her mom, it is ok to wear the skirt even though it is shorter than the mid-thigh level allowed by the school. Personally, I know in high school girls used to wear shorts that were real short. But in elementary school, girls wore fuckin jeans and a t-shirt. Doesn't having your 10 year old daughter protest her right to wear a mini-skirt to school sound a bit sleazy, Mom? Let's be reasonable...why does a girl that age need to wear a mini-skirt?

Recently on Playboy Radio(Sirius), there was a call-in show where the host wanted callers to tell her their kinkiest sex story involving mini-skirts. Maybe the mother of that kid should listen. If she did, she would know that girls wearing mini-skirts want to get fucked. Thats what the Playmate host said, thats what the female callers said, and obviously thats what the male callers said. Maybe mom should ammend her stance on this issue, and put a pair of sweats on her daughter. I think the Playboy Radio audience has a better idea of mini-skirt etiquette than the mother does, which means Mom has two options: Let her daughter wear the skirt, implying she is the youngest whore on Earth. The other option is to be a responsible mother and tell the girl she isn't wearing skank clothes until she gets to high school. Either way I think this situation is the mother's fault.

(General Pershing enjoyed pork chops, bacon, and sausage that night...)

How Should Terrorists Be Punished?

This one is an old and a new story rolled into one. It is related to the Zacarias Moussaoui trial, but goes all the way back into World War I. On April 3rd, a court found that Moussaoui was eligible for the death penalty, based on the fact that he could have saved thousands of lives if he had cooperated with the government in August of 2001, regarding the events of 9/11. On WEEI this morning Moussaoui came up, and someone made the point that leathal injection isn't really a just punishment for a guy like this. Moussaoui would welcome death from the enemy, which would make him a martyr. The next name brought up was "Black" Jack Pershing. In 1911, Pershing was a U.S. General. He went on to a storied military career lasting into the 1940's, but that has no bearing on Moussaoui. This is about what he did back then, and what we could do now. Before I go on, I AM NOT CONDONING THIS ACTION...I am just presenting it to people because it was something I never considered before.

While in the Philippenes, the U.S. was having a problem with Muslim terrorists, so Pershing decided to take drastic action against them to teach a lesson. Black Jack's men captured 50 terrorists and made them dig their own graves. Then the terrorists were tied to posts and readied for execution. Next, the soldiers brought in two pigs and slaughtered them in front of the prisons, rubbing their bullets in the blood and guts of the pig. (In the Muslim faith, pigs are considered filthy animals and there are rules against eating them or interacting with them) Now instead of dying as martyrs, as was the plan, the Muslims were horrified to know that they would be tainted in death, due to the pig blood. Dying as a martyr gets you a spot in heaven (a paradise that is said to be full of virgins), but now the terrorists were scared that they would be denied entry due to the pigs blood. All but one of the terrorists were killed with the pig bullets. Their bodies were dumped in the graves and covered in the pig blood and entrails. The one remaining terrorist was allowed to go back to his camp and repeat the story of what happened to the other terrorists. This actually put a stop to terrorism in the Philippenes for over 42 years.

While this seems extreme, so do car bombs and suicide bombers. Muslim extremists obviously do not place much value on human life, and they are eager to participate in suicide bombings because they believe they will be rewarded in heaven and received as martyrs. If this story is true, General Pershing figured out something that would actual scare these people. It's obvious that there isn't much that would deter these people from their goals if they partake in suicide bombings. If this situation took place today, the U.S. would probably be in violation of the Geneva Convention, along with many other laws of war. On the other hand, the United States doesn't care much about what anybody else says, laws be damned. In the end, I'm not saying the U.S. should do what Pershing did back in 1911. I'm just saying if nothing else works, it couldn't hurt. Also, Pershing did that in 1911, the terrorists attacked us on 9/11. Perhaps they were trying to get revenge for what Pershing did to their fallen brothers; or perhaps it is a sign that the U.S. needs to have a re-enactment of that scene today.

(The Kiss of Judas ranked just below the Kiss of Rosie O'Donnell on the list of Most Deadly Kisses)

'Judas' No Longer an Insult

Recently scientists have decoded ancient documents that were found in the Egyptian desert in 1970. The documents date back to about the year 300, and is allegedly the lost "Gospel of Judas." For all you non-Christians out there, the Bible has 4 major Gospels, according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. This fifth gospel, according to Judas, is a big deal for a few reasons. The main reason is that Judas is the one who handed over Jesus to the Romans, identifying him from the other apostles with a kiss. Since then, the word 'Judas' has come to mean traitor. Now, that word might have to be changed, along with the meaning of Judas' name.

The Gospel of Judas does not condemn Judas for turning in Jesus, but states that this was his function. According to the translated material, Jesus and Judas were very close friends. It was for this reason that Judas was given special knowledge, and with the knowledge he was assigned the task of turning Jesus in. "You will be cursed by the other generations—and you will come to rule over them.'' That is what Jesus tells Judas about his impending job and the way it would be viewed by people in the future. Another quote: "Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the kingdom. Look, you have been told everything. Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.''

I'm not here to translate metephors, but this is a significant find and it does change the way Judas will be viewed in the future. I just find it amazing that the name 'Judas' has been dragged through the mud for 1,700 years, and in the end everybody was dead wrong. Judas was more intricately involved than anyone would have thought with Jesus' death, but he didn't give him up for money. His sacrifice was similiar to Jesus's, in that Judas knew what performing God's task would require on his part, and also what it would do to his name in history. If this Gospel is real and legitimate, that means Judas was the crucial key to making sure Jesus would die and be reborn. Also, this means that Mel Gibson needs a muthafuckin' director's cut of Passion of the Christ.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Mysticism, Science, and The Ancient World

Today I had no idea what to write about. It is currently 3:53pm and these are the first words I am writing. I wanted to do news, but there wasn't many good news stories. The Red Sox won yesterday, Lost was pretty good, and South Park is in the midst of delivering its 2-part powerslam on the Family Guy. I am not left with much to discuss, but I will not skip a day...that would be lazy and unprofessional. So I'm just gonna start spitballin'....heeeeere we go.

Ok this may or may not sound crazy, but to me it really isn't. Most people go about their daily lives, trying to maintain their own direction and keep their own lives on the right track. In doing so, many things are taken for granted; some small, some big. In today's world people rarely get much free time for thinking, or pondering "What if" questions. Now I'm not talking about "What if I had $100 million dollars," questions. I mean people don't take the time to question what they see or hear. Everything is taken at face value, and those values are provided for us through growing up, through school and through other experiences.

Fortunately for me(and maybe you), I do have the time during the day to ponder anything I want. Two hours per day in a car leaves your mind open to contemplation of every variety. Recently, I have been thinking about what we take for granted as being facts in our physical world. For instance, when we see a story on the news about something in outer space, we take for granted what the news story tells us. However, if scientists come out and make claims about another planet, how do we know that its true? Nobody has been off this planet and past the moon, at least to the publics knowledge. So how do they know they are right? Scientists tell us that water is the key to life, but what if other life forms evolved without the need of water? That is a perfectly plausible situation. Just because life on Earth is water, oxygen and carbon based doesn't mean that somewhere off in the galaxy there aren't beings made of helium.

Science usually puts its theories and hypothesis through a battery of tests and experiments to test its validity. Meanwhile space science, although new technology improves its testing every day, is not subjected to the rigors of normal science. It involves a lot of guess work, and a lot of those guesses are based on science on Earth. I suppose thats the best we can come up with at the moment, so as humans we just roll along with it.

Space science isn't really what was on my mind. What I'm talking about are things on Earth that scientists cannot explain even with their best guesses. I'm talking about ancient art forms and scientific techniques that are either extinct, or were discredited by the science community. The question is this: How can a group of people (scientists) discredit something with 100% certainly when they cannot even fully explain the laws that govern their own field? For those that don't know, science has two major ways of describing things: Relativity and Quantum Mechanics. Quantum Mechanics deals with nature on the atomic and sub-atomic level, while relativity and special relativity handles the rest of it. Basically, Q.M. handles the small stuff, S.R. handles the big stuff. The problem is, these theories CANNOT work together, leaving scientists with two theories that work most of the time, but do contradict one another.

See what I'm getting at? The science community cannot figure out one unified theory; they just have two different theories that work together up to a point, then are useless. There is something called String Theory, which looks to unite these two. If they can ever figure that out, it would unlock many, many doors of knowledge that we can only dream about. I have read a book on string theory, but I will not spend any more time talking about that. What I want to get into is this: If science can't explain things in the natural world with 100% certainty, how can they claim to Disprove things in the natural world with 100% certainty?

Anything in the world that can't be explained scientifically is almost always shunned and looked upon as a waste of time. Yet throughout the history of civilization, there have been many groups studying different forms of science and art that do not exist today. What would possess people to study these topics with no chance of gaining from it? I know ancient people didn't study these things because there was no tv to keep them entertained. Before I go further, I just want to say that I do not know THAT much about everything I mention in here, but I do know enough.

For instance, you may have heard of Alchemy. Alchemy ,which dates back to Ancient Egypt, is the study of techniques pertaining to the transmutation of common metals and minerals into more valuable ones, such as gold or silver. Also, Alchemists searched for cures to diseases, and tried to discover ways to prolong life. They believed the four main forces on this planet were Fire, Water, Earth and Air. The biggest aspiration for any early Alchemist was discovering the "Philosopher's Stone," which was supposed to be a liquid that made its user young and extended their lives. That sounds far-fetched, and to our knowledge nobody was successful. But would we really know if someone was? The records of history are so incomplete, so cobbled together and so mysterious that I have no problem believing that alchemists really were able to attain some of their lofty goals.

(A drawing of an Alchemists lab)

There is also something that I just encountered today (which led to this blog) called Gnosticism. I do not yet understand exactly what it is, but it is related to alchemy and other schools of thought and learning from the early centuries. I guess Gnosticism encompasses many different sects of learning and religion, but always depict the battle of light vs. dark in a mystical way. These systems of beliefs may be ancient, but I feel like they are still important...or could be if used correctly. I don't want to try to explain this one anymore because I don't have a firm grasp of the total concept, but you can click on the link to read about it.

(Gnostic drawing depicting light and dark; mysticism in the world)

This sort of thing is dismissed by science as mysticism, but why can't mysticism exist? I refuse to believe that the only forces influencing us on earth are physical and testable. Mystery Schools of Ancient Egypt, for example, were the schools attended by early Egyptian royalty. These schools allegedly held information about the creation and early civilization, and its teachings were passed through sybolism, math, and possibly magic. Problem is, we will never know what was taught and passed down because human ignorance erased this knowledge. I mean, unless we find a temple buried under tons of sand, all records were destroyed when the Library of Alexandria was allegedly burnt down. 600 hundred years of human knowledge in over 700,00 volumes, all gone for no reason. What knowledge did this place hold? Nobody knows how much or exactly what was lost, but it is safe to say the world would be a very different place if that knowledge had endured.

I hope at the very least my ramblings have been interesting. Perhaps they turned you on to something you didn't know exist, or will lead you into exploring these topics, along with others. I just wanted to make the point that no matter how much we learn as humans, we haven't even started to scratch the surface. It is folly to think that there we can explain everything we see. The world is too big and too incredible to be classified, studied, tested and proven everytime. If somone came on the news and said that magic exists, I would believe it. We have no idea what the human mind is capable of, or how it interacts with the intangible forces of the world. Perhaps flicking a wand and saying the right world while concentrating on the right thing can produce something we would never dream of. All I'm saying, is that nothing is impossible. Until science can get its own world together, it cannot assert its will over the unexplained.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

South Park vs. Family Guy

Today I want to talk about South Park. This is a cartoon series that has been on tv for about 9 years. It airs new episodes every Wednesday on Comedy Central. The reason I want to talk about the show is because tonite's episode pits Family Guy against South Park. I used to be in Family Guy's corner, but now if I had to choose one show to watch, its South Park....lets take a look at why.
(:l-r: funny, not funny, funny, kinda funny, not funny, funny)

First of all, South Park isn't really animated every week. By that I mean the show is made on a computer, so there is no need to redraw all the scenes and characters like in a normal cartoon. This allows South Park to stay very up to date as far as what is going on in the world. I think I read that they can make a show in two weeks, meaning if Michael Jackson gets arrested today, you can learn about it on South Park by the end of the month. Also, the show continues to evolve. Yes, it still has its share of fart jokes, but it has expanded beyond that. For every Jew joke there is one about current political situations or issues that the country is dealing with. For example, last weeks episode was about Hybrid cars, and how everyone who owns one acts all high and mighty. One of the kids wanted South Park to have the most Hybrid cars, and once it did the town was more polluted than before due to Smug...not smog, Smug. You get the idea.

Family Guy, on the other hand, continues to stand pat with the same jokes in the same format by the same characters every week. The show has always been an random collection of flashbacks and scenes loosed based what seems to be a plot. The Family Guy made its name on random events happening or pop culture characters interacting with the Griffin family. As far back as the first episode when Kool-Aid burst through the courtroom wall, the Family Guy has provided situations for its characters to make us die laughing. Unfortunately all good things must come to and end.

Since the show came back on the air I have been laughing less and less. The funniest part of the whole season was when Brian owed Stewie $50, with Stewie playing the part of the remorseful hitman. He tells Brian, "I don't know why you make me do this to you man..." while he beats him silly. That is classic material. It used to be that there were at least 2 or 3 rememberable scenes per show. Now, I can't even remember what happened last week. Quadmire is tired, Cleveland is just sort of there, and the cripple guy is only funny when he acts too proud about being handicapped. Chris is worthless, and Meg is only funny because she is named as the source of every problem the family encounters. (By the way, that is the best part of the new season overall...the way Meg is just shit on.) That leaves Brian, Peter, and Stewie as the only funny ones. Lois is funny somtimes, and I think its funny that Adam West is the Mayor. Besides that, the show leaves much to be desired.

South Park's cast of characters is more funny to me. The main four kids consist of Kyle and Stan, Cartman and Kenny. Kenny dies all the time, and Kyle of Stan are best friends. I believe its Stan (I always mix him and Kyle up) that is Jewish, and Cartman gets in at least 3 good Jewish jokes per episode. My favorite is a showdown between Cartman and Stan where Stan is accused of having a "...bag of Jew gold around his neck. Everyone knows all Jews carry a bag of Jew gold on their necks." Stan denies it, then finally admits to it and gives Cartman the bag. Cartman then says, "Everyone also knows that Jews carry a fake bag around their neck. Give me the real Jew gold." In the end Stan does have a fake bag of Jew gold and a real one, which Cartman gets.

The show also skewers many people and organizations from the public eye, along with their respective scandals. The Family Guy does too, but only in 10 seconds flashbacks that leave you wanting more...and not in a good way. South Park, on the other hand, dedicates entire episodes to topics, giving them 30 minutes to make their joke and devour the subject at hand. If you ever see any of the following episodes on tv...WATCH:
-The episode about Scientology and Tom Cruise. After being rejected by the heads of scientology, Tom Cruise locks himself in a closet. Then, the rest of the episode is spent trying to get Tom Cruise to come out of the closet. Police with megaphones and chanting crowds cannot get him to come out. Neither can Nicole Kidman or R. Kelly, who comes down and sings a Tom Cruise version of "Trapped in the Closet."
-Hurricane Katrina episode is the Jew Gold episode. Also shows U.S. evacuation helicoptors hovering over people who are standing on top of their homes, but nobody gets picked up.
-South Park gets a new Walmart, forcing all other business to close. Everyone gets addicted to shopping there, going to buy things they don't need. This episode is great because it describes Walmarts effects on people perfectly.

-Russel Crowe Fights Around the World: Just what it sounds like...Russell Crowe and his tugboat "Tugger"(say it in an Australian accent) go around the world trying to fight different ethnicities to see what they are made of.

-An episode where the kids try to lose their baseball games intentionally so they don't make the all-stars, thus forcing them to play more games. Kyle's dad goes to the games just to fight the loudest dad on the opposing side. He starts the fight by taking of his shirt(hes hammered) and saying, "Come on. What do you want to do? Come on.."

The side characters dominate anything on the Family Guy as well. There is Token, the only black kid in town. Timmy and Jimmy are mentally handicapped characters; Timmy is in a wheelchair and says little else besides his own name. Jimmy has crutches and does stand-up comedy...which everyone dies laughing at (Side note: There is an episode involving these two called Cripple Fight.) Chef is gone now, but the parents of all the kids are funny and the teacher had a sex change operation.

In the final analysis, Family Guy just can't measure up. It has fallen off drastically since its heyday run in its first 3 seasons. South Park has gotten better as time went on. I never watched that show when it was first on; in fact I hated it. But it was on before Chappelle's Show, and I starting watching and realized it was really funny. I think a lot of you out there have written off South Park, but you should give it another chance. Its a good change of pace from the totally random, hit-or-miss moments the Family Guy provides. According to me, South Park beats Family Guy with a T.K.O. in the 4th Round, and the show is lucky it made it that long. Maybe the Family Guy will get a rematch, but its gonna have to be earned. Otherwise the belt is staying with the boys from South Park.

Watch South Park tonite at 10pm and find out. The episode is named "Cartoon Wars" so I'm assuming it will be good.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


In between the town I grew up in and the town I live in now, there is a town called Wareham. A small town near the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, Wareham has many residential beaches, a relatively new high school, and a small Main Street downtown. Sometimes looked upon as the Gateway to the Cape, this nickname has lent itself to the Wareham Gatemen, the towns entry in the Cape Cod League. The Cape Cod League is the best amateur wooden bat league in the country, but I'm not talking about that right now. Today's topic is Wareham, the town and its citizens. Never has a town so blessed geographically been so cursed by its citizens. Not everyone IN Wareham is bad...I think its just the people who have lived there their entire lives. Regardless, these are not the sort of people you want around...let's take a closer look.

Warehaminians(?) are some of the most despicable creatures I have ever encountered. Its not that there is an over abundance of crime, or that the city is run down or shabby looking. Its just that most of the residents don't give a shit about anything or anyone. You just get a bad vibe from almost everyone in the town. I have met my share of Wareham residents, and while a few border normal, the vast majority are scumbags. Why, you may ask, do I speak in such a negative manner about a town? Here is why:

The first time I realized I didn't care for Wareham was when I started playing in the Babe Ruth baseball league. Before this time, my home field had always been in Rochester. Now we had to play games in Wareham. I didn't like going there because the infield had patches of grass and the roughest stone dust ever produced by humans. The outfield had no fence, went on for ever, and was made up of grass that was brown on good days and none-existant on bad ones. I know its just a baseball field, but over time it came to represent all that was wrong with Wareham

(Wareham: Gateway to Hell)

I have seen more domestic arguments at the local Hollywood video than I care to remember. The most recent one involved a kid who's mother had the audacity to tell him he couldn't rent a video game. The kid starting crying, louder and louder, until his mother popped him across the mouth with a King Size package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The stunned kid shut his mouth until he left the store with his mom, who had rented a Queen Latifah movie for him to enjoy.

This one got my head spinning so much I had to pull over to let the dizziness wear off. Enjoying a nice ride in the car can be very difficult when your eyes tell you that you are on Earth, but your mind says you are elsewhere. I saw an old woman, probably in her 60's with several shawls draped over her shoulders, walking her dog and cat. At the same time. One leash in each hand. Now admittedly, dogs and cats can get along with each other, but the whole scene makes you feel like you are in Bizarro World.

In Wareham, it is illegal to sell blunt wraps (so I hear). Blunt wraps are basically cigar paper without the tobacco in it. They are used to re-roll the cigars with something else inside. Regardless,while it is against town law to sell these in Wareham, stores are free to sell glass pipes and other drug paraphenalia. Ummm, how does that make sense Wareham? Why is everything about your existence ass-backwards? I can just see the P.T.A. mom or D.A.R.E. van driving officer who instituted the blunt wrap rules. They must be devistated to learn that while a person cannot easily roll a blunt in town, they can have 3 of their best friends over to hit the new Hookah.

The girls in Wareham. O my wouldn't believe it. No, I'm not talking about college age girls, or even girls in high school. I'm talking 12 years old...13 maybe. Usually, I'm open to anything; if someone has a resonable explaination for something, I will listen. But nobody can talk me into believing its ok for a girl going into junior high to be wearing a tube top, cut off shorts (with holes in strategic places),hooker boots, and enough makeup where if a clown car drove by, she could get in and be under the big top by night. How can you let your daughter walk outside the house looking like she's auditioning for the junior high drama club's version of Pretty Woman? If there is even the outside possibility that my daughter will be propositioned on the way to Spelling or Reading class, she's not going to school. This girl was only out for a Sunday walk with one of her similiarly dressed rag-a-muffin friends; I shudder to think what she wears to school dances.

I have something to say about LeBaron convertables. If you have ever owned one, do not take this personally. I proudly captain a road boat, so I am not one to judge. However, I did see a typical Wareham youth driving through town in a Lebaron convertable yesterday. By 'typical Wareham youth' I mean the white kid had two stud earrings, a doo-rag, and a size 9 black fitted Sox hat for his 7 3/8ths head. He had one of his homies in the front seat, and a bitch in the back. All the passengers looked to be in high school. It is difficult to act hard in a Lebaron, but besides his appearance this youngblood upped the ante by testing the limits of the stock Chrystler speaker system...with Reggaeton provided by Jam'N 94.5. Nothing can ruin a beautiful afternoon like a poseur blasting bad music, acting the fool.

It seems that you cannot truly fit in at a Wareham bar if you don't have some sort of physical scar from an outlandish injury, a.k.a. a non-battle scar. By that I don't mean bullet wounds or stab marks from a drunken night out with the boys. I mean something like losing a finger on a fishing boat out of New Bedford, a self-made tattoo made with a hot paperclip and road tar, or perhaps its a limp caused by a catastrauphic leg injury causedy by getting a leg caught up in a tractors nuts. Whatever it is, it makes you, as a relatively un-scarred person, feel like going into the parking lot and kneeling on broken glass just to fit in. When you can't enjoy a drink because you feel as if the family from The Hills Have Eyes is staring you down...its time to call it a night.

On the way to work yesterday, I saw a car pulled over in the breakdown lane. As I continued driving, I noticed an older man standing in front of the car. As I continued on, I noticed grandpa had his dick in his hand, pissing on the rumble strips. If you stop by the side of the highway to piss, you go in the woods. In my entire life I never considered the possibility that someone would do that...especially at 9 in the morning. Grampa had such disregard for everyone around him that he just did whatever he wanted. It just seems like something that would happen in Wareham, that's all.

Finally, there is a section of Wareham that residents named Shangri-La. If 'Wareham' and 'Shangri-La' isn't the best example of an oxymoron, I don't know what evens tops Jumbo Shrimp. I have a friend who lives there; he's got an nice house in a nice quiet neighborhood. Shangri-La, however, is the fictional name of a mystical valley nestled in the Himilayan moutains. It is supposed to be a utopian place, a spot that is secluded from the outside world and is always happy. Wareham is neither a mystical or perpetually happy. Also, you can't just arbitrarily name a section of town Shangri-La when it couldn't be further from the truth. Having a Shangri-La in Wareham is like a town in Iowa being named Seaspray Bay; There is neither seaspray or a bay. Similarly, there is no place worthy of the name Shangri-La in Wareham.

I could go on and on about this town, but what good would it do? Nothing is ever going to be different. I predict Wareham will continue to go downhill, recessing eventually into a town like Lawrence or Lynn Lynn, the city of sin. I hope that doesn't happen, but I feel it is inevitable. If you live in the area, use this as a reminder to avoid the town at all costs. If you have never been, now you know not to go there. If my words can help save just one life, my work will not have been done in vein.