The Wide, Wide World of News: April 7, 2006

Here at the Wide, Wide World of Sports, we like to present the facts along with opinions and commentary on those facts. We feel this paints a better picture of events than just simply presenting news stories. Whether you agree with our opinions or not, it does give perspective from at least one side of the story. Before we get into the news, our editor wants to have a quick go at something that has been bothering him: Triple Names.

Why is it that actors or entertainers feel the need to be referred to by three names? A quick examply would be Ashley Parker Angel, that O-Town doosh from yet another MTV reality show. What about actor C. Thomas Howell, Tommy Lee Jones, or Francis Ford Copolla? While I am more open to older guys going by three names, or two names and an initial, I refuse to accept this as a growing trend. The thing that set this tirade off was when I saw a poster for the local high school drama club's version of Man from La Mancha. The star was credited as "C. Tucker Johnson." This is a dude in high school. When the teacher takes attendance, what does he say?

"Susie Johansson?"

'Here.'

"Jim Johns?"

Present. Then, with all the loathing and venom he can muster...

"C. Tucker. Johnson?"

'Here.'

"Is C. here? C. Tucker are you present? Is there a Mr. C Tucker Johnson here?"

'Yes I'm right here.'

"Good, there is a message here for you. CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME!!!

(Sadly, by 6th grade she was pregnant...)

4th-Grader Protests Miniskirt Dress Code

Out of Pennsylvania today comes the story of Zoe Hinkle, a 10 year old 4th grader. She and her mom are protesting her schools ruling that Zoe cannot wear a mini-skirt to school because it "disrupt the educational process or cause a safety hazard." According to her mom, it is ok to wear the skirt even though it is shorter than the mid-thigh level allowed by the school. Personally, I know in high school girls used to wear shorts that were real short. But in elementary school, girls wore fuckin jeans and a t-shirt. Doesn't having your 10 year old daughter protest her right to wear a mini-skirt to school sound a bit sleazy, Mom? Let's be reasonable...why does a girl that age need to wear a mini-skirt?

Recently on Playboy Radio(Sirius), there was a call-in show where the host wanted callers to tell her their kinkiest sex story involving mini-skirts. Maybe the mother of that kid should listen. If she did, she would know that girls wearing mini-skirts want to get fucked. Thats what the Playmate host said, thats what the female callers said, and obviously thats what the male callers said. Maybe mom should ammend her stance on this issue, and put a pair of sweats on her daughter. I think the Playboy Radio audience has a better idea of mini-skirt etiquette than the mother does, which means Mom has two options: Let her daughter wear the skirt, implying she is the youngest whore on Earth. The other option is to be a responsible mother and tell the girl she isn't wearing skank clothes until she gets to high school. Either way I think this situation is the mother's fault.

(General Pershing enjoyed pork chops, bacon, and sausage that night...)

How Should Terrorists Be Punished?

This one is an old and a new story rolled into one. It is related to the Zacarias Moussaoui trial, but goes all the way back into World War I. On April 3rd, a court found that Moussaoui was eligible for the death penalty, based on the fact that he could have saved thousands of lives if he had cooperated with the government in August of 2001, regarding the events of 9/11. On WEEI this morning Moussaoui came up, and someone made the point that leathal injection isn't really a just punishment for a guy like this. Moussaoui would welcome death from the enemy, which would make him a martyr. The next name brought up was "Black" Jack Pershing. In 1911, Pershing was a U.S. General. He went on to a storied military career lasting into the 1940's, but that has no bearing on Moussaoui. This is about what he did back then, and what we could do now. Before I go on, I AM NOT CONDONING THIS ACTION...I am just presenting it to people because it was something I never considered before.

While in the Philippenes, the U.S. was having a problem with Muslim terrorists, so Pershing decided to take drastic action against them to teach a lesson. Black Jack's men captured 50 terrorists and made them dig their own graves. Then the terrorists were tied to posts and readied for execution. Next, the soldiers brought in two pigs and slaughtered them in front of the prisons, rubbing their bullets in the blood and guts of the pig. (In the Muslim faith, pigs are considered filthy animals and there are rules against eating them or interacting with them) Now instead of dying as martyrs, as was the plan, the Muslims were horrified to know that they would be tainted in death, due to the pig blood. Dying as a martyr gets you a spot in heaven (a paradise that is said to be full of virgins), but now the terrorists were scared that they would be denied entry due to the pigs blood. All but one of the terrorists were killed with the pig bullets. Their bodies were dumped in the graves and covered in the pig blood and entrails. The one remaining terrorist was allowed to go back to his camp and repeat the story of what happened to the other terrorists. This actually put a stop to terrorism in the Philippenes for over 42 years.

While this seems extreme, so do car bombs and suicide bombers. Muslim extremists obviously do not place much value on human life, and they are eager to participate in suicide bombings because they believe they will be rewarded in heaven and received as martyrs. If this story is true, General Pershing figured out something that would actual scare these people. It's obvious that there isn't much that would deter these people from their goals if they partake in suicide bombings. If this situation took place today, the U.S. would probably be in violation of the Geneva Convention, along with many other laws of war. On the other hand, the United States doesn't care much about what anybody else says, laws be damned. In the end, I'm not saying the U.S. should do what Pershing did back in 1911. I'm just saying if nothing else works, it couldn't hurt. Also, Pershing did that in 1911, the terrorists attacked us on 9/11. Perhaps they were trying to get revenge for what Pershing did to their fallen brothers; or perhaps it is a sign that the U.S. needs to have a re-enactment of that scene today.

(The Kiss of Judas ranked just below the Kiss of Rosie O'Donnell on the list of Most Deadly Kisses)

'Judas' No Longer an Insult

Recently scientists have decoded ancient documents that were found in the Egyptian desert in 1970. The documents date back to about the year 300, and is allegedly the lost "Gospel of Judas." For all you non-Christians out there, the Bible has 4 major Gospels, according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. This fifth gospel, according to Judas, is a big deal for a few reasons. The main reason is that Judas is the one who handed over Jesus to the Romans, identifying him from the other apostles with a kiss. Since then, the word 'Judas' has come to mean traitor. Now, that word might have to be changed, along with the meaning of Judas' name.

The Gospel of Judas does not condemn Judas for turning in Jesus, but states that this was his function. According to the translated material, Jesus and Judas were very close friends. It was for this reason that Judas was given special knowledge, and with the knowledge he was assigned the task of turning Jesus in. "You will be cursed by the other generations—and you will come to rule over them.'' That is what Jesus tells Judas about his impending job and the way it would be viewed by people in the future. Another quote: "Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the kingdom. Look, you have been told everything. Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.''

I'm not here to translate metephors, but this is a significant find and it does change the way Judas will be viewed in the future. I just find it amazing that the name 'Judas' has been dragged through the mud for 1,700 years, and in the end everybody was dead wrong. Judas was more intricately involved than anyone would have thought with Jesus' death, but he didn't give him up for money. His sacrifice was similiar to Jesus's, in that Judas knew what performing God's task would require on his part, and also what it would do to his name in history. If this Gospel is real and legitimate, that means Judas was the crucial key to making sure Jesus would die and be reborn. Also, this means that Mel Gibson needs a muthafuckin' director's cut of Passion of the Christ.