Friday, February 10, 2006

The Legend of Latch, Cap and Probert

Ok not much time here before the weekend (Yesssssssssssssssssssss!), but I want to make sure everyone out there knows how to handle themselves in the case of an emergency fight. The forecast calls for snow this weekend, and lots of it. What can you do on a snowy Saturday night besides settle into the house with some friends and some drinks and get down to business? BUT, if you are in college, or hanging out at a place where people are drinking and stuck inside, beware: prolonged periods of being indoors due to the weather can raise stress to riot-like levels. If you are in college, I'm sure you know about meatheads, and I don't need to describe them or go into what they are capable of. These are the sort of people who, when intoxicated, would fight their own mother's for the last 'Stone in the 30 rack. The people that spend so much time in a gym that when they aren't in the gym, they feel akward and uncomfortable. It is for times when you are confronted by these people that I leave you with a little knowledge nugget to always remember, and never forget....Latch. Cap. Probert.

The concept of Latch, Cap, and Probert was handed down to me just before the turn of the century by the sage "Crosby Stills" Nils Johnson. While I spent my summer working construction for a man with a mullet and a drinking problem, Nils instilled ages of knowledge upon my and my friend; knowledge that cannot be read in books, or discovered with math. Three words, all related and intertwined by their purpose and results. Remembering these three words can improve your chances in a fight exponentially. Lets start from the beginning.

Latch begins the fight, or is in response to your opponents first move. The latch is a quick, sharp punch with your dominant hand. It sometimes isn't even close-fisted. Its purpose is to stun, and set up for the Cap and Probert. When the meathead takes a swing at you, it is usually a long, poorly aimed punch thrown more by alcohol than the person. Avoid this contact, then fire out the Latch. A properly placed Latch should hit your opponent in the face, preferably the nose. This causes eye watering, and your enemy will be temporarily blinded. Follow this up quickly with the midpoint of your defense/attack...the Cap.

When you hear the word Cap, most think of something related to guns. Very true, but that is not its only use. The Cap is the connection between the Latch and Probert, so make sure it does not miss its mark. After a well placed latch with your dominant hand, use your offhand for the Cap. If you are awkard and box lefty, throw the right hand Cap. The reason is simple; although your cap should be the second hardest punch thrown, you want your dominant hand ready for the Probert. Cap someone by swinging your offhand in a semicircular arch, from roughly your shoulder (keep them hands up!) to the side of your opponents face. Hitting the nose is a bonus, as it will be close to broken now. The Cap should be a hard, well placed punch that builds off the Latch, or stunning shot, has done so far. Both of these together set up your finishing move...The Probert.

The Probert is named after former NHL player Bob Probert. Probert logged over 3, 300 penalty minutes over his career. That's almost 3 entire days this man spent sitting in a box for crimes committed on the ice. And those were just the ones the refs saw. He fought over 100 times in games, and according to one website, he won 90% of his fights. Yes, there is a website called He is the sole inspiration for the finish to this three-step dance of death; The Probert. If things are going as planned for you so far, you have stunned your opponent and put a hurting on him. He is now set up to be banished to meathead hell. As you throw your cap, ready your strong hand for the final blow. Once your fist ceases to make contact with the enemies face, keep your offhand on his shoulder. Grab a fist full of shirt as your deliver the fight-ender. Bring your strong hand over the top, straight back and straight down on the person's face. This blow is meant to inflict damage, and insure that no one else will try what this meathead tried. Plant your fist in between the guys' eyes. As you do this, use your offhand to lift his shirt over his head. Now he is stunned, disoriented, and in the dark. If the fight has ended, leave him to find his way out of his bloody shirt. If he wants more, you can do with him as you please. That is how Bobby Probert did it, and let's face it; if you want to know how to ruin a successful career, you would watch a Britney Spears highlight tape. If you want to know how to win fights, you watch a Bob Probert tape...
:The Latch, Cap, Probert is meant for self-defense ONLY:


Anonymous Anonymous said...

this piece was truely inspirational. God knows we have all been in a situation where a guy by the nick name "biff" wants to throw down. i personally suggest what i like to call the stunner. as "biff" is talking shit just haymaker him in the face without even saying anything. he'll wake up stunned and very ashamed.

11:55 AM  

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