Groundhog Day Madness

Today, I want to talk about Groundhog Day. This is by far the dumbest idea for a 'day' that we have in this country, and believe me we have many dumb days. You know the drill; Punxsutawney Phil either sees his shadow, or he doesn't. If he does, we are allegedly supposed to have six weeks more of winter. If not, then spring comes early. I have a problem with this because why is this groundhog's shadow more important to predicting the weather than, say, mine? My other problem is this groundhog is either a random groundhog every year, or the oldest fucking living organism on earth. Most humans base their February-March plans on whether or not this thing sees its shadow. As evidence of how unimportant this event is to all besides a handful out backwoods Yokels in Pennsylvania, as soon as this thing was over the crowd started a Steeler's chant. Do you think anyone starts a Pats chant at midnite mass on Christmas? Can you imagine if they did this in Boston. "Go back in ya hole ya piece a shit. I don't need you I got Storhm Track Five and you know Dick Albert's got the dopplah!"

I also just found out that the spokeman for Pennsylvania lottery is in fact a groundhog, named Gus. His motto is "Keep on Scratchin" and no I'm not making this up. How can an entire state feel good about themselves when they are identified by either Steel or a Groundhog? To top it off, they stole the idea from Germans. Even though we owe the Germans thanks for Jagermeister and Heineken, we now know that they backstabbed us with this Groundhog Day. Turns out that in Germany they think that if a hibernating animal sees its shadow on February 2nd there will be more winter. This tradition has been ongoing since 1910, and the last time the little fucker didn't see its shadow was 1999. I don't think he has been right too much, but in the end, its everyone's fault for believing what it says. After all, if a meteorologist with a dopplah radah can't figure out the weather, what does an animal that lives underground know?